Dear Diary

I cannot say what i do not know
but i can say you're putting on a show
you've got a mask and a disguise
its pretending and pretention i despise
you tell yourself harmful lies
you see darkness in the prettiest skies
a dress of white with streaks of red
your soul is dark your heart is dead
your body exudes red and black
come clean and don't look back
soothe your soul with truth and blessing
challenge your heart to peaceful resting
accept your pain but be its master
sinking and obsessing leads to disaster
we are victims of hurt and shame
but a rose is as sweet by any name
find your rose of red or white
find the rose that fits you right
it has its thorns as does your heart
but with misery you must part
we are all slaves to tribulation
but we must direct to celebration
one life to live
all love to give
above the inchworms and rats we rise
release ourselves from our own demise
your enemy is closer than you think
its you and it keeps you on the brink
but you must know this and go on
with others and with truth you must bond
rise above your dark abyss
and you will find your due bliss
pause for a moment in your storm
clear your head and see the self harm
others may hurt you
but don't stay blue
find your fight
with all your might
cleanse yourself in crashing waves
let your spirit be pure and raised
a dress of white a dress of blue
whatever is you, whatever is true
find your color and find your spirit
find yourself and you'll know what to do with it

It's a new year again and I'll have to say that yes it was better than the last. Unfortunately however, this december a Long December by the Counting Crows was once again my theme song. Too bad I suppose. And when I look back although it wasn't horrible in terms of emotional tribulation, it was unproductive and I don't think I have really grown. I currently feel as though I am in a Limbo. One thing that is notable is since the beginning of '09 I grew spritually like I have never before. That was wonderful and it continued through the year. My relationship with God has strengthened. In some ways I have gotten ahead and yet I feel as though I went backwards in other ways--- my social network, I have such troubles keeping up with and caring for my friends. I hate being self centered and selfish. However I know that I have to sacrifice in order to get better. Emotionally I can't deal with other people when I have so much going on in my head and in my life. More to come, these are just some thoughts I have come to terms with.

I have been thinking a lot lately as to what my purpose in life is. And when I look to the future I have always seen the same picture. I am a wife, I am an inspiration, I am a muse to a man. I am a mother but more prominently is my role of inspiration to my husband. It may sound a bit weird, and the vision is not completely clear, but I can see it... I think it is right. I don't think people realize what an effect a woman can have on a truly great man. A man of art, a man of ideas, a man of God, men need a woman, it is a phenomenom I do not yet fully understand, but I am getting there.. I am preparing...

Today I realized (and possibly remembered) just how depressing St. Valentine's Day can really be. It is January 1st today and I have already seen the first advertised hearts of valentine's day. And that is when I sadly realized.. I will have no one to spend this special day with for the first time in two years. Sigh, a tear almost forms at the thought. Today, love is a tragedy.

Life is a move and I am the Star!

It is New Years Eve! Another year over and a new one just begun... As John Lennon once said. I am so excited about the new year, I just have a good feeling. It would be hard to make another year worse than this 2008 has been, its been a journey and I am so excited for 2009!! I am feeling more confident and beautiful actually. My resolution is to be the leading lady in my life-- not the best friend. "Life is a movie and you are the Star." Thats my motto for the year. I know I must find myself, and I must grow and I must change, and since I have lost a family I must build my own; a family this time glued together with love. You know, friends, special people... my siblings.. my new family. =) I am so excited!!

Living in the northwest this winter, we have about 6 ft or more of snow. Yes, it is absolutely wonderful and very beautiful.. Besides the sights and the fun in the snow there is the adventure of driving in it. And the best part is when you can't even get out of your driveway. And the very best part is when you can't get out of your driveway because you've driven into your yard. No, my natural hair color is not blonde, but I am thinking about dyeing it so that people stop asking. What an adventure!! At least I wasn't on my way to work or anything, I was going to go pick up my younger siblings and take them sledding. Honestly I couldn't have gotten stuck on a more beautiful day, it wasn't too cold, I wasn't even wearing gloves and I was perfectly comfortable. It was just the perfect winters day. If only I wasn't all alone at my house.

Illusions come with the dawn and replenish themselves with the night. Often wonder which is real or is all illusion and none real. In that case does it even matter?

My first day blogging, yes, indeed.

I have just finished a most lovely book, 'Auntie Mame.' Quite the book for a bombshell. I do believe Auntie Mame is the perfect eccentric bombshell.

To a long life of blogging, to an adventure for all eccentric bombshells, diesco bibidu!